a crisis.

I don't know what to say about the marriage life. 

I sometimes get pain, but sometimes I feel happy too.

It's so hard to decide if I'm regretting this phase of life, like every single day.

I've been thinking to runaway, I just can't.

I've been thinking the extreme way, like killing myself, I just can't.

All the roads back to "what would you do if he's not on your side?"

Am I too selfish to keep my standard high?

Am I too weak to always forgive mistakes even though I don't know what is it?

I've been asking God too many question,

whether I'm good this way, or I might just loose 

But, I'm just a looser now.

I don't know if this thing gets complicated each days.

Like it's been always raining, no sun shining

Like I've been living in a cage and not knowing where to go,

Or should I just let go...

It's been a crisis for me and myself.

They said it's nice to work things out together, 

They said it's good to be good, and to act good.

Maybe they just can't understand how stuck I am.

Everyday, every time, with the same person, all over again and again.

I used to a big believer of the life happily ever after.

Now, I don't think so.

I used to think it's always nice to wake up and make out,

But now, I don't think so.

You don't kiss someone when you're in pain,

You don't go fuck someone when you're in unstable emotion.

Sex just don't mean anything when you don't feel it.

There's always things that ruins the things I wish I could have.

Perhaps, it's just we're not meant together.

But ended up believing we're good for each other.

The reality hits me hard, I ain't go no way to get out.

I'm in pain, I'm in sadness, can someone please hear me out?

If I could just collect my tears, 

I might be dancing on them.

Nothing I could do except showing my tears when the fight happens.

I wasn't like this, before. 

Mother told me to be strong, and just don't give a fuck with everything.

I might disappoint her now if I tell her I'm not as strong as I used to.

I cried easily, most of time.

I laughed hardly, most of time.

It's like I've been spending my days in the world that I don't deserve,

It's not about money, it's not even about love.

I just think I wanted to rewind and say no to promise.

I just wanna erase the time, if I could. 

I just wish I'd never met him, anyway.

Why would he be here if the reason is to bring me pain and sadness?

I have a heart that's weak to be touched.

I have eyes that's easy to flow tears. 

I don't want that, really. 

I only want to be happy, I just don't know where to start. 

They say love is to heal everything,

They say love is to accept things,

Then please, show me. 

I've been trying my best to not lose the game,

but now I think I'm starting to lose myself in the game of love.

I hate him, I don't hate him,

What's the difference after all?

I feel nothing inside my chest,

Why would I cry again and again if I'm lying?

FFF

(April, 7th 2020)