Silence

"I choose to love you in silence, because in silence I find no rejection and in silence no one owns you but me and only me."

   I could have never imagined how would it be if I never met you and knew you. At first I just thought we could be friends. But in the next day I found out that I fell for you. I never want to fall in love, because I believe that everything falls will be broken. I never wanted to tell myself that I fell for him, but I really did. There's no specific reason why I could love you this deep if someone asks me why. I keep smiling while saying, "I don't know.."

   I've tried to catch you a few times but it didn't really work out. I tried to tell you that I maybe like you (and still now), I just can't. I always think, if I tell you about this, maybe you'd change and I don't want you to change. But if I never tell you, how would it be? Should I wait until the perfect moment comes? Or should I take some time and tell you the whole things about this and make it as a perfect moment? I really don't know what to buy.

   I came to his friends and told them about this, and they said that he ever liked me once. I was happy when they told me. But.. why didn't he just tell me about this? Did he think the same way I think? Seriously, maybe if 'that time' he told me about his feelings to me, maybe I'd like to tell him mine too.. But it's enough, it's all too late. It was just his past, and also mine. The difference is, he seems like he has almost forgot about our close-friendship, while me still think about it and try a few times till I get tired and confused 'should I leave?' 

   Well because every time I say 'Should I leave?!' there just a part of him I can't let go. I never wanna delete his number, I never wanna delete his bbm contact, I never wanna delete his pictures, even though I've ever tried once. I ever wanted to delete everything about him, but I stopped. I couldn't even imagine if I did that. Maybe we'll never met again, until it's our destiny to meet and see each other again..

   I mean.. why do I wanna write about him again? I still wanna love him the way I could in silence. Even though it's only in silence, I wish he could get this and understand about this, smiling and realizing what have I done to resist him. I have gone a long way, from here to there and there to here, I meet some new people, I'm easy to get new friends, but for him... I can't let go that easy. I still need some days even month to figure out about being separated with him, but I just can't. To let him go isn't easy as you break the glass. But you know I never wish that I'll leave him. I'll stay, no matter I'm only his friend, or his girlfriend or maybe his wife. 

   Because all the way after I found someone just a few months ago, I sometimes still taught about him. That was such a dilemma, I know. I actually just wanna be with him and only with him. I couldn't walk in two lines. I should pick which was better for me and I chose to leave. I finally realized that I still am in love with him, I still wanna be with him, and I'm not ready to be apart from him. 

I love you. I really do.