Well, Who Me?

   

   Seriously, I don't wanna be in this fucking awkward situation where I don't even know where my heart belongs to. I think I'm getting fed up by all these things, the untrusting, the insecurities, the confusion, the crestfallen, I don't wanna be like that. I wanna be the old me, a happy girl who is always laughing and tells such funny stories with unlimited thoughts with her friends without getting any sad. But now, after all those things happened, who am I? 

   Well, who me?

   Actually, if I look back about our fast relationship, I think I should've known about the risk. You may fall in love, but you have to prepare to have such pains. But pains, make you stronger. Maybe I got the same sickness like Taylor Swift, so every time I fall in love, I'd be happily go there and here, smiling like an idiot all times, and feel like sleeping in thousands roses. But another moment, when you get that shot, you think you are being left or maybe cheated, you'd be sadly go to bad, listen to sad song which make it worst, over think, all that you wanna do is disappear and come back when everything has clear. I'm this kind of girl and I'm not really proud of it. It is a sickness that you can't balance how to be "not that happy" when you are too much happy.

   I don't even know how my relationship would go this far. I feel like I'm totally idiot this time. Actually, I knew that I was being lied, cheated, fooled of, but why do I have to bear all of this? I know I deserve better. There're just a part of him that I can't let go this fast. I know that we could work it out, I know we're gonna do it. But the question is, when we're gonna do it after all this time I'm being so mad but he's just like watch me and let me walk away without fight me back. Am I falling too deep? Am I stupid? Am I blind? Should I be so cruel to prove him that I love him so? Think I know what's the answer is.

   Isn't it really creepy when you see another girl's name written on your boyfriend's phone? Isn't it creepy enough when he pays less attention to you anymore? Isn't it creepy when you want him to fight you back but actually he doesn't? I think those all are really creepy when you are in a relationship. You think you wanna care and take back all of the words that's been said, but sadly you can't. You wanna fight for this, but you can't stand anymore. You are too tired for this but somehow you don't wanna loose him. 

   ...Well, who me?

   I used to be not like that. I go travelling there and here, laughing hard when listen to my fellas tells a funny story, free, and don't really care about how do I look. But this time.. this is all so different. I met someone and I think I could change him into a better person but that's just a wrong guess. I'm just another girl that he can't keep. I'm just another promise that he can't actually keep. I feel I'm so worthless, priceless, stupid when I knew him. I.. don't even know who am I anymore. The old me, has just disappeared.

   But dear you, let me tell you one thing. Can we just stop arguing? Can we just stop pretending like we don't care? Can we stop fighting? Can we be like the old us? Can we tickle and laugh and do all those fun things together again? Can we make it new? Can we not stop talking? Can we fight it back? Can we? Can you give back my smile? There are lots of 'can we' questions but this one is soundless "Can we fall in love the way we used to fell in love?"

I really hope you do understand.

- me.