I won't write my ending
The way Sylvia Plath did.
Though darkness often waits
At the edge of my thoughts,
Whispering of rest,
Of silence,
Of disappearing.
I know God placed these burdens
Upon my shoulders for a reason.
Still,
I've spent years
Fighting the tide,
Moving forward,
Only to be carried back again.
Perhaps I just haven't seen
The meaning of it all yet.
And maybe,
Just maybe,
I'm one of the ones chosen
To endure before I understand.
I hate admitting it,
But I need someone
To hold on to.
Someone who reminds me
How freedom feels.
2017 is far behind me now,
Yet part of me still lives there.
Time moved on,
But my heart stayed behind.
Sometimes I look back
And see how beautiful it was.
A version of me
Untouched by responsibility.
Laughing one day,
Crying the next,
Yet somehow lighter than I am now.
I kept my body strong,
My dreams alive,
And my worries small enough
To fit inside a pocket.
I hope I stumble upon
Days like those again,
Though I wouldn't know
Which road leads back.
I see old dresses
And a younger face.
A girl standing
On cloud seven,
Believing the world
Had something wonderful waiting for her.
She wanted to be loved.
And when her heart was broken,
It was just okay.
Somehow,
It hurt less than this.
Younger soul,
Younger fire.
Nothing heavy enough
To pull her under.
She moved through life
Like a bird crossing open skies.
No chains.
No anchors.
No invisible weight.
She was once
A piece of lost gold
Shining through a blurry season.
Now,
Some days,
She can barely look at the sun.
Her has changed
In ways she never imagined.
Built around promises,
Built around forever.
Yet somehow
She find myself surrounded
By guilt she cannot name.
The happiest version of me
Has disappeared.
Gone without a trace.
And sometimes I wonder
If she's still out there,
Waiting for me
To find her way back.
Could I return,
Just once,
And borrow her light?
Bring the past
Into the present.
Not to live there forever,
But to remember
Who I was
Before the world became so heavy.
All I have now
Is hope.
Hope that there is still
A better version of me ahead.
A version
Who forgives herself.
Who breathes easier.
Who isn't afraid
Of tomorrow.
And through it all,
Only God knows
How hard I've fought
To remain here.
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