September, 10th 2013
Hi. How are you there? Hope you're fine.
Dear diary,
I know I'm supposed to keep this secret inside my heart but I just can't. Every time I tried to forget, his shadow always came, crossing my self. I know what kind of feeling is this. I know, I miss him, right? I miss everything about him. I miss his face, his smile, his joke, like anything. And now... I don't know how to shut my feelings down for him. Every time I tried to reach out, like saying 'Hi' to him, but then I realized that he's changed and we don't like what we used to be and it all makes me sick.
I know, it just so useless for me to express all of my feelings here. I know he wouldn't open my diary here. But if he would, I just wish that... he'd miss me too. He'd miss me, the way I miss him. He'd miss my face. My smile. My joke. Or Anything. And all that he's gonna do is about to reach me out, tell me that he misses me too. Tell me that distance isn't big deal for us. Tell me that I'm gonna be alright here. Even though I know we're only stay friend, and not more. The truth is, I want more from anything. I want more from the word 'friend'. I wanna listen to your voice, calling me as your sweetheart. But then... I go back to realized. Who I am? Who I am for you? A little complicated-sucks-bitchy girl who always wanted anything more from you?
I think its enough for me to tell my diary about you. I want someone else. But I can't. Every time I tried to move, you're right there. Been circling around my head, saying 'Hi. Don't forget me. I'll be with you, someday." Now tell me, how could I move? HOW? You know what? I just can't sit here, to guard my heart all the time if someone comes by. I just can't. I need someone to lead me. But you're always haunted me like you're one in a million. Like you're gonna back for me. Like you'll come and kiss me anyway. I can't always keep that feeling. I just want you, but.. should it becomes such complicated like this?
Like lately, these days, I knew I miss him but I didn't know what to do. Text you? It's useless. Call you? It's stupid. Doing nothing? I should've stopped to hurt my heart. What should I do then? Should I scream out loud so that perhaps you'll hear me? Such an impossible. All that I did was just sitting on the floor, holding my phone, and starting to flash-backing all the memories. It hurts. So I cried and feel better. I wrote poems and its all about you. And yes, I've planned anything on your next coming birthday. Isn't this enough to tell you, that I deserve you?
I know, its all too little too late for finally falling for us. I don't wanna pursue you to love me back. This all just my feelings, saying directly to you. I know if I'm wasting so much times for the one that I think he loves me back (but he's not actually). I can't always wait for you, until I have no reasons to wait anymore. This's me, and I'm throwing up all of my feelings here and it's all for you. Just wanna say thank you for ever stood beside me, even though I'm just another girl for you. Hope you'll find someone, and she'll stand by you, she's nicer to you, she's better than me, and love you the way I do.
- my feelings
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