How I wish I could take all of my words back..
I don't really wanna be in this house..
It's full of misery
I'm living in a fear..
Dear Moon, can you tell me that I'm just okay to be here? With these people around me?
It's about 0:41 pm when I wrote this diary. I'm totally sad. I'm so sad. I don't know what to do anymore, I'm just acting like I'm good enough to be in this family. I don't think that I belong here. I don't think that they need me. Maybe, they just assume if I'm just a tramp. A little lost girl, and they adopt me, and they treat me like I'm just a bum here. As I said, I don't think that I belong to this family.
Well I think it's kind of my mistake when people asked me about "where would you continue your higher school?" and I always said "Aceh." I know that's a stupid word. And lately I've been thinking, "How idiot I was when I said 'aceh' that simple." Maybe its because.. all that I know, for being apart from family is better and live alone. And now? When everything has changed, I'm here, sooooo far away from the city that I used to live, alone, and live with my mum's brother. And God, if only you knew this, I'm so regret to say I wanna be here. Really.
But this's just what happened. Every words is a prayer, and you should take it seriously. I mean, to live in here is just fun and really, I wanna be here. But NOT in this house. As I said, I live in a fear. I never treated like this before. Actually, they treat me right, I just don't feel right. So it's all just like.. go out wrong. And every time I tried to tell my self "you'll be okay, just not these lately days", I feel okay but in the next 5 minutes later, I go back to cry. Crying out loud inside my chest screaming, "Why I'm fcking here?" nobody could listen. Only me. And God, maybe.
Or maybe.. its all just my destiny to be here. I know, God has already wrote a very good happy ending for me, but with complicated ways first. Or... God put me here to be a better person. Or maybe God put me here, its all for better me, future, and so on? Oh God, I don't know what to do anymore. I feel so regret but this's my firstly journey to be stepped in. But can you please tell me, that I'm okay to live here? I know, your plan is brighter that I could ever imagine. I trust in you.
And for my parents... Mum and Dad.. I feel so regret to ever defying you. I know I was wrong enough to ever thought "I wanna live alone without you." I was so stupid to say it. And now.. I'm dying here, in every second I keep reminding both of you. Maybe we can met in our own dreams. Maybe when I hear your voice, I'm getting strong enough to stand. I know that you keep praying for me, there. When I'm flash-backing about when I was younger, I cried a lot. Why this time flies too fast? Mum, Dad, I miss you so much. I'm sorry to ever pretended like I don't care, but actually I do.. I'm so sorry for all of my mistakes that I made. Now I'm just wishing all the best for you. We'll meet in another time, and I promise, I'll make you proud of me.
And for all of my friends there.. Once again, thank you for ever stand beside me. Help me a lot during my happy and sad times. I don't know what to say anymore. You guys has given me so many lessons to be learnt. I feel so blessed for having you around me. I won't forget about you. I won't forget the times when we had a really good times. We were laughing in the middle of class, we ate something during physic and math class, we did some great things in school.. And for you (my closest friends in NF), thank you a lot for being there for me too. I won't forget our best memories when we watched movie on that cinema. I won't forget our rubbish talk in McD. I won't forget we really had a great time during our shorter time there. I miss you all.. I really do. If I could go back to Jakarta right now, I'll hug each one of you! Really!
And now, God, I keep wishing all the best for me. for my family. and for all of my friends!
- farrah
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